Have you been with me my whole life, fibromyalgia?
Last night was a sea of tears. Weeping like I haven’t wept for a long time. Sobbing into the pillow until it was soaking kind of tears. My life is falling apart kind of tears. But somehow, I know that really it’s not. I don’t have cancer. I don’t have the level of pain and that renders so many fibromyalgia sufferers completely incapacitated. I have a wonderful family, a loving husband and two remarkable little girls. So I’m one of the lucky ones.
I woke up feeling somehow like I had shed my skin and shaken off some stress. Apparently cortisol (the stress hormone) is released through tears of sadness so it is a rejuvenating experience physically.
Then when I was having a very hot spiky shower I realised that the shower is one of the only places I have ever felt truly comfortable. And I started to think back to my life. Discomfort has always been a part of it. When I would party and take drugs socially or drink lots (which was a lot when I was younger) I’ve realised I loved it so much because I felt completely comfortable. Pain free, discomfort free. But the day after was always a battle to get through. Perhaps that’s why addiction has never been my thing. But maybe my body didn’t cope with hangovers and come downs because of my fibro.
I think I find some comfort in that thought. That you’ve been with me all my life. Because if that’s the case and the two significant periods of difficulty have been the only two flare ups that have significantly affected my life then I’m doing really well. I’ve lived a full and vibrant life again and that means I can do it again.
I’m going to an awards ceremony tonight and I’m filled with dread about it. I’m a finalist for a Business award and I’ve been told that three finalists in each category have to stand up on stage and then the winner is announced. So I either have to “not win” or “win” in which case I’ll have to say a 2 minute speak. Both options are terrifying. Even the thought of going out in public at night in a social situation with strangers is peaking me out. My husband is coming with me so I’ll try to hide behind him. And I know all of this sounds stupid. I “should” be grateful for being a finalist and I am but with fibro comes anxiety. And anxiety can be crippling.