Agony, Anguish + Anger

I’d started to have some better days. Even went out AT NIGHT for that business event I was talking about. I remain a finalist which meant I got out of an acceptance speech. Phew!

Then one day when I was determined to look after the girls on my own for the first time in a while I felt my body weakening all of a sudden by the second. Energy sapped, unbearable vertigo, nausea and migrane level headache all descended upon me like an unstoppable fibro army.

I called Mum. And like always she came quickly. I’m lucky to have her.

I retreated into the bedroom but nothing bought any relief. Panadeine fortes were useless but I had nothing else. I’m highly tolerant of pain so I usually try to battle through. But some days it’s just so all encompassing that its searing hot, crawling agony all across my entire body.

It’s so debilitating I can’t even hold up my arms to read a book. It’s so overwhelming that I have to watch endless bingeworthy Netflix to distract my mind from thinking about the pain but even worse the guilt.

I caught a gastro bug from my 3 year old daughter and my body was letting me know about it.

In the evening my husband came into our room to find me sobbing uncontrollably into a bucket. The tears were of frustration, not being able to cope, wanting to be anywhere else. The racking sobs were some kind of release because for some reason I felt lighter afterwards. Still horrific but lighter.

That was about 5 days ago now. And I’m still bed ridden with moments of being able to get up and read the girls a book. I made it out of the house yesterday for a couple of hours which was great. But before I did I started crying from the effort of trying to get dressed after having a shower and not being able to find any of the clothes I needed.

Today I’m still just as breathless and weak but the sun is shining. Last night I started an “Acceptance” pack on my Headspace mediation app. I think it helped. I don’t want to be angry at this situation. But because I’m feisty every day is a battle to accept my limitations because I’m so used to ignoring them and charging through anyway, ignoring the exhaustion. It’s like my body has gotten to a point that’s it’s taken over and taken that option away from me.

I never leave the house without a shower but today I will. Because I want to go to the playground with my girls and take the dogs to the oval to run around. That’s my one goal for the day. Everything else can f*** off.

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