Light at the end of the tunnel

It’s been a very strange last week.

Last Friday I felt pain and anguish in an emotional sense like I haven’t for a very long time. It started by finding out my husband had done something which really hurt my feelings. Relationship damaging level bad. Every relationship has it’s ups and downs and I’m the first to admit that with all the anxiety and stress I’ve felt I have been highly moody and irritable and not great to live with. But this felt like it could have been the nail in the coffin.

As an aside – I went off my anti-depressants about a month ago (a strategic move). So, perhaps that’s why the feelings of pain were so real when they came and they gave way to waves of fury and anger. And after I dropped the girls off to daycare I let it all out in his direction. By the end of this emotional day I felt exhausted but relieved like I had let go of an emotional burden I’d been lugging around and my husband and I talked openly and honestly for the first time in a long time. We’d both spent the day facing separation and divorce in the face and we were both devastated by the realities that would come with those decisions greatly. So we slept on it while the girls had a sleepover at their Grandmothers house. That night I tried natural sleeping tablets for the first time (something I realize I should have been doing for a long time).

The next morning everything felt different.

Something strange was happening. I felt more myself than I had in a long while and said to my husband “can we just pick up where we left off?”. He agreed and we went out for brunch together alone and reconnected socially for the first time in a loooooong time. Then we went to the Harley Davidson shop to look at the bike he’s been dreaming of for years. He told me about 2 weeks ago that the model he’s been crushing on runs out at the end of the year and the new model is nothing like it. I’d said back then “why don’t we look at getting one then” and we had worked through our next steps:

  1. Convert and restore old shed into an office/ sleep out to facilitate my work space and give us somewhere to get a good nights rest
  2. Trade in our two cars for a new family car that is more economical (he has a work vehicle)
  3. Get the Harley

That was the original order of priority. Then we went into the Harley shop and found out there was only 1 LEFT in the whole of Tasmania as they run out older models before the end of the year. And it is exactly the model and colours my husband wanted. So we put a deposit on it then and there. We felt alive, together, connected in a way I can’t explain.

Now to people that know us and our struggles with health over the last few years the Harley seems ridiculous. It’s hedonistic, irresponsible, especially as our parents have been supportive financially this whole time. We could sell our investment property in Melbourne but it’s stressful and we aren’t good at holding on to cash so it’s safer to hold on to it. But we know it’s an investment in our health and happiness together. And now everything is sorted and we have payment plans locked in for parents, credit cards and the Harley we are excited about life again!

The rest of the afternoon we spent enjoying a beer and a cocktail with friends we bumped into. Life felt normal for the first time in an era. I was living it, not crippled at home with overwhelming pain and fatigue and confusion.

And the good vibes carried us through the start of the week and bought an unexpected passion back into our relationship. Who would have thought a motorbike could be so healing?

Monday morning I started work and felt the confusion and fibromyalgia fog had lifted so dramatically I felt like weeping openly at the cafe I had settled into for the morning. I got a parking ticket I got so caught up in the “feeling good” but I didn’t care. Something was happening!

Monday and Tuesday my husband and I worked better together than we had in what seemed like an eternity. Wednesday bought a cold snap and some increase in symptoms and irritability from me but it’s Friday now and we have a plan, we have support and I know I can get my life back.

The hope has turned into knowing.

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