I haven’t posted in a while and there’s good reason. On December 9th, 2017 my husband died in a motorbike accident. He was everything to me. Our love was deep and all consuming but it wasn’t all easy. It’s a long story for another day but losing him has left me in more emotional pain than I understood humans could ever have to endure.
A surprising side effect of the trauma of losing him was a surge in Adrenalin courtesy of grief. My fatigue literally disappeared overnight. And along with it a range of other symptoms. It was quite miraculous but, so my shrink tells me, not uncommon. While the going in the health stakes has been good I have done a number of things to prevent myself from slipping backwards into the flare up I was gradually, painstakingly slowly clawing myself out of. I figured if I’d popped out at the top I’d better start doing some cardio and keep the ball rolling. And I’m pleased to report I’ve only had a few minor pain filled days in the last 4.5 months. I’ve also tried out float therapy which seems to work wonders for me to release tension and my green smoothies are a daily ritual now that I’ll probably keep up as long as I can be bothered. Magnesium baths are another thing I’m making sure I’m regularly having and I’ve now moved from restorative yoga to regular yoga and found I was ready for that.
I would still prefer the worst of the fibro pain filled days that bring me to tears shaking in the corner over the pain and heartache the grief has delivered.
I’m now a solo parent to two highly energetic young girls. My eldest daughter turns 4 tomorrow and her little sister is coming up to 2.5. They are fearless, fast and full of mischief. They are also loving, compassionate and incredible. I’m lucky to have them and they have given me a good reason to live on through all this. But looking down the barrel of a lifetime of solo parenting after having your future hopes and dreams for your family (and your heart) shattered into a million pieces is terribly daunting.
So a week ago I made the decision to stop working for the rest of the year because I couldn’t handle all the demands and stress of my new life. I knew my daughters needed me more than I was giving and I had to change that. Then 24 hours ago I made the decision to buy a caravan and travel around Australia with them to show them some of the highlights of our beautiful land and discover some new ones for myself. It’s time for some soul searching and living in the moment. It’s time to turn my attention to my daughters 100% without the fear of fibromyalgia fucking it up. It turns out I’ll have the chance to learn how to slow down and pace after all.
So it’s a big fuck you to life for taking my beautiful husband from me. Fuck you for taking my girls’ Daddy they adored so much from them so early in life. And fuck you for taking him from everyone else that loved him so deeply because he was a hero to all that knew him.